Remember that commercial?
Lately, I’ve been wondering whether some of our patients could ask us the same question. And maybe it’s fitting that I’m thinking about this while surrounded by thousands of my pediatric colleagues here at the American Academy of Pediatrics National Conference & Exhibition in San Diego.
Not, “Doctor, can you hear the words coming out of my mouth?” but “Are you actually listening to me?”
Because I’m beginning to think hearing and listening aren’t quite the same thing.
To me, hearing can be passive. I can hear the television while doing something else. I can overhear a conversation I wasn’t even part of. But listening? Listening requires intention. It asks you to stop, and lean in. It involves closing the heart space.
And recently, my newly minted 22-year-old son reminded me of that.
As many of you might not know, I’m building a new pediatric practice in Atlanta specifically for tweens, teens, and young adults. And naming this baby has been…an adventure to say the very least.
I’ve asked parents. I’ve asked patients. I’ve run polls. I’ve asked colleagues. I’ve even discussed it with a Lyft driver here in San Diego. Everybody has an opinion.
At one point, I was seriously considering using the word “Youth” in the name, and realistically, it (would have) worked.
Until my lil man-child said:
“Mom, I’m not a youth.”
What?!
I could have explained to him why the word technically included him. I could have defended my choice. I could have pulled out definitions from the WHO and made my case.
Instead, I listened.
Here was a 22-year-old, in the exact age group I say I want to serve, telling me that the word I was considering using to describe him didn’t describe how he saw himself.
Could I hear him? Of course.
But was I willing to listen? That is a very different question. And it led me to another distinction that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about: Listening is something I do. Feeling heard is something you experience.
I can tell you that I listened to you. But only you can tell me whether you felt heard. That distinction means everything in medicine.
In a 2022 BMJ Open qualitative study examining challenging relationships between patients and physicians, patients repeatedly emphasized the importance of feeling heard. Their descriptions included being listened to, reaching mutual understanding with their physicians, having important details remembered, and having their experiences validated.
And when patients didn’t feel heard, the researchers observed that “little else could be accomplished.” That last sentence had my head spinning. Because think about what that means for those of us who practice medicine.
We can take the history. Ask the questions. Document the answers. Make the diagnosis. Explain the plan. We can do all the things that look like listening. But does our patient feel heard? Those are not necessarily the same thing.
And perhaps this reaches much farther than the exam room. It applies when I’m parenting my adult children. It applies when I’m leading. It applies in our workplaces, our relationships, and anywhere two human beings are trying to communicate.
So, for the four Mondays in October, I want to explore this with you.
I’m calling it LURV: Listen. Understand. Remember. Validate.
Four words that emerged for me from thinking about what it means for another human being to feel heard.
Today, we begin with L: LISTEN.
Let’s Keep the Conversation Going
I have two questions for you this week: Is there a difference between hearing and listening to you? And perhaps more importantly: How do you know when the person on the other side actually feels heard?
I especially want to hear from my fellow physicians and healthcare professionals. How do you know your patient felt heard?
Hit reply and tell me. I am genuinely curious.
Apparently, my son has already begun consulting on this new practice. He just doesn’t know he’s on staff yet. 😂
What Else Is Happening Around Here?
I’m writing this from San Diego, where I’ve spent the past few days at the AAP National Conference. I came here as an AAP virgin…with a very specific mission: learn what I need to learn to build this new practice well.
And something wonderful happened.
Conversation after conversation with other physicians has affirmed the idea behind the practice. I’ve been able to talk about what I want to build, ask questions, listen to other pediatricians, and pay attention to what resonates.
I also surprised myself.
Conference exhibit halls are basically Disneyland for my brain. There are booths, people, gadgets, giveaways, conversations, and seventeen shiny things competing for my attention at any given moment.
But this time, I stayed focused.
While everybody else was collecting freebies, I spent real time talking with EHR companies and asking questions about the systems I’ll need to actually care for my patients.
And I’m SO proud of that!
Maybe that’s another form of listening I hadn’t considered before: Listening to what this season of my life is asking of me, and allowing some other things to wait.
Today, I leave California and head home to Atlanta. I’m leaving tired, happy, jet-lagged before the jet lag has even properly begun 😂…but also clearer about what I’m building and why.
And perhaps that’s a pretty good place to begin our month of LURV.
Next Monday:
U — UNDERSTAND
Because someone can listen to every word you say…and still completely misunderstand you.
Until next week,
Dr. Lulu®
Pediatrician | Speaker | Author | Physician Educator | Mom
