Can I validate someone’s experience without agreeing with them? And can I validate myself without waiting for someone else to do it first?
I’ve been sitting with these questions for weeks. When I first encountered the research that inspired this October series, I understood LISTEN, UNDERSTAND, and REMEMBER. But VALIDATE? Welp…
I was never taught that in medical school, but as a certified life coach, validation is something I now practice regularly. In coaching, we acknowledge someone’s experience and then get curious about it. We don’t immediately rush to correct, challenge, or offer solutions. We make room for the person’s experience.
But is validation the same as affirmation? Does one lead to the other? Or are they different things?
Here’s where I’ve landed, at least for now. Validation acknowledges someone’s experience. Affirmation can go further by actively recognizing and supporting their dignity, identity, or agency. They overlap, but they’re not necessarily the same thing.
And then something interesting happened.
This past week, I experienced validation everywhere I turned.
I’ve been building my new pediatric practice for tweens, teens, and young adults. The website is live, and I’ve shared it with several people, and their responses have been overwhelmingly encouraging.
I’ve also been creating the materials for the practice, including a retractable banner with a photograph of myself that made me stop and say, “Wow, girl. Look at you!”
And then there was the music.
At a community health event, I met Chubb Rock, whose music took me straight back to 1990, when I was 21 years old. I danced like that young woman was still right there inside me. Because, apparently, she is!
That same 21-year-old who was in medical school in Nigeria, dreaming of a life she couldn’t possibly have imagined.
And I found myself thinking about everything that has happened between then and now. The dreams, the heartbreaks, the victories, the losses, and the woman I’ve become.
I didn’t need anyone to tell me that my journey mattered. I needed to acknowledge it myself.
Don’t get me wrong. External validation feels wonderful! The compliments, the encouragement, the people responding to my writing, the first family joining my practice waitlist, and the $12,000 grant awarded to my nonprofit are all meaningful.
But here’s what I’m learning: External validation is the icing. Self-validation is the cake.
I believed in these ideas before anyone applauded them. I put myself out there before I knew what the outcome would be. And I keep reminding myself that even if something doesn’t work out, I can learn, adjust, and try something else.
Does that mean I’m never afraid? Please! Of course I’m afraid sometimes. But fear doesn’t automatically invalidate my dreams.
And perhaps that’s where self-validation becomes especially powerful. It’s the ability to acknowledge our efforts, our experiences, and our worth without requiring someone else’s agreement or approval.
Now, let’s bring this back to medicine.
Imagine a teenager sitting in my office saying, “My parents don’t understand anything about me!”
I could immediately defend the parents. Or I could say, “It sounds like you’re feeling misunderstood. Tell me more.”
I’ve validated the feeling without necessarily agreeing with the conclusion. I’ve made room for curiosity.
Validation doesn’t always mean saying, “You’re right.” Sometimes it means saying, “I recognize that this matters to you, and I want to understand.”
And just as I don’t want my patients to depend entirely on someone else’s approval to recognize the legitimacy of their experiences, I want them to know their voices matter even before someone else acknowledges them.
That’s what this month has taught me.
LISTEN. UNDERSTAND. REMEMBER. VALIDATE.
Four words that remind us that communication is not simply about what we say or do. It’s also about what another person experiences.
Listening is something I do. Feeling heard is something you experience.
And while I can work to validate another person’s experience, I can also learn to extend that same grace to myself…and so can you.
Let’s Keep the Conversation Going
When was the last time you validated yourself without waiting for someone else’s approval? What did that look like?
And in your relationships, workplace, or clinical practice, can you acknowledge someone’s feelings without necessarily agreeing with their conclusions?
Hit reply. I’d love to hear what validation means to you.
What Else Is Happening Around Here?
My new adolescent and young adult clinic is becoming more real every day! The website is live, the logo and banner are finalized, and I’m making progress with the electronic health record that will support the way I want to practice medicine. My first family has joined the waitlist, too!
And my nonprofit, Dr. Lulu’s Angels Haven, Inc., just received a $12,000 grant from ViiV Healthcare to support our work. I’m grateful for the opportunity to keep advancing LGBTQ+ education, advocacy, and affirming communities.
As we conclude LURV, thank you for spending these four Mondays thinking alongside me. This series has reminded me that we never stop learning, even after 35 years in medicine.
Until next week,
Dr. Lulu®
Pediatrician | Speaker | Author | Physician Educator
